Camden Residents Stand Firm Against Progress, AI Datacenter, and Apparently the 20th Century

Shown is the proposed AI detacenter, as presented to the Planning and Zoning Board.

Camden, SC — The quiet town of Camden once again finds itself at the center of a storm of controversy after residents voiced outrage over a proposed AI datacenter that requested zoning approval on the outskirts of town.

This comes just months after the same townspeople rejected a proposed solar farm, citing concerns that “too much sunshine” might give them cancer and make their grass grow too fast.

Mayor Vincent Sheheen, taking a firm stand against the datacenter, told reporters, “We simply don’t have the electricity to waste on some computers when I need all the wattage I can get for my electric guitar. My new band, Sheheen & The Sheheens, is hitting the local VFW stage next weekend, and if my amp fizzles, so will Camden.”

Opposition also came from the pulpit. Pastor Graig Johnson of Broom Third Baptist Reformed Church of Greater East Camden explained his theological concerns: “AI is of the Devil. If we allow it in our town, it’ll turn our school-aged children into robots… or worse, into transgender robots. We must protect the innocent from ChatGPT and whatever other demons come with it.”

Artist rendering of "acceptable alternative" for solar powered AI datacenter after Planning and Zoning revisions.

Despite scientific consensus to the contrary, locals are convinced the datacenter will emit “radiation waves” that could alter crop yields. According to one dubious report circulated at City Hall, the radiation will increase corn harvests by 37%, thereby raising property taxes by 113%. Residents made it clear that more soybeans is a threat they are unwilling to face.

City officials, speaking on the condition of anonymity, revealed that talks are already underway to locate both the datacenter and the solar farm inside one of Camden’s recently closed Big Lots stores. “We’ve got to do something with them,” one insider said. “They’re just sitting there, full of abandoned discount recliners and knockoff scented candles. If nothing else, AI servers might finally cover up the smell.”

The fallout is already impacting Camden’s economy. Grammy-winning Christian metal legend Stryper announced they were canceling their much-anticipated Town Green concert in solidarity with renewable energy. In a press release, the band stated: “We utilize solar power exclusively to run our 8-track tape decks, lava lamps, and to charge our iPods. To our dozens of disappointed fans, we encourage you to follow us on MySpace and buy our tapes and t-shirts at your local Blockbuster stores.”

As for the datacenter, company officials expressed confusion. “We thought Camden wanted jobs and investment,” said one representative, “but apparently they’d prefer to keep their fields radioactive-free and their mayor plugged into a Marshall stack.”

For now, the future of Camden remains uncertain—but one thing is clear: if progress comes knocking, the residents are more than ready to slam the door and bolt it shut.